Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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