i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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