That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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