Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
