She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
