Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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