if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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