I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
