I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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