i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
