It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
