the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
