You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
