My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
