2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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