Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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