I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
