i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think your dad took our porno
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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