New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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