I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
