Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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