she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
