so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
