everyone is single if you try hard enough
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
