Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
