She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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