i don't plan on having that self control this summer
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
