It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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