He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
