Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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