mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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