He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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