Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think I have vodka in my lungs
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
