I wanna bring you to show and tell
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
