Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
