the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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