herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
