I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
