This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
