3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
