I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
