We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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