Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
did i just pee glitter
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
