he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
wow bdsm is so cute
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
