I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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