if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
