this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
