you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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