lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
