Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
